With every five and dime review shop going out of business these days, we need to talk books more than ever, don’t we? I personally think critics just need to inject a little creativity and sheer terror into their reviews. Although I suppose this is less of a review now and more an urgent request for help. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

I’m freaking out here, and not just about how good this story is. Okay, here’s the thing: I was halfway through THE VERY PERSISTENT GAPPERS OF FRIP, written by George Saunders and illustrated by Lane Smith, and laughing until my insides hurt, when I was suddenly attacked by real-life Gappers. Gappers are little orange creatures with many eyes and very small brains. They will literally get your goat. Also, very persistent. Did I mention this book is aptly titled?

THE VERY PERSISTENT GAPPERS OF FRIP is a quick read at 72 pages with colour pictures on practically every one. Great for bedtime or snack time. And what a collaboration of heavyweights!

*Sighs*

The Gappers are hurting me. I think one just broke through my calf skin. It’s hard to tell—I can’t feel a thing. I don’t understand why they are after me. I have no known enemies. I don’t live in Frip. I can’t even drink milk, let alone produce it. What do you guys want?

*Cries for fifteen minutes*

People, here’s the situation as I see it (and only barely because they are on my face, too). Right now there are dozens and dozens of Gappers attached to me and I can’t move. Fortunately I can just wiggle my fingers enough to type this review, which is due in five minutes. If you are out there, please read to the end of this book to find out how the girl, Capable, deals with the Gappers, her neighbours, and her widower father – all problems I could use help with. The truth is that I am sad and lonely and no one will check on me until my rent is owed, five days from now. By then I will have succumbed to lack of food and water. Cool, I just found a craisin! So please order the book, use express delivery, read it, and HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, GET THESE THINGS OFF ME! - Mic

(out of five)